Brain Mess

It's been so long since I've been able to write...well, anything. Reading, writing, editing, it's all been on a painful hiatus completely out of my control and I swear it's because of an intense surgery I had 9+ months ago. Getting my creativity level back has been...well, it's like trying to shove a parked pickup truck up an icy hill while it's emergency brake is on. Meanwhile my health in other regards is declining and I'm not sure if it's all related to the surgery, or if it's because I have degenerative condition, or both. Still, I haven't given up completely. As of the last 7 or so months I started trying my hand at fanfiction for the first time ever hoping it'll get me inspired. And as of tonight, I've also started trying to go back to editing my abandoned "Shattered Lives" project. Would I rather be trudging through sludge? Maybe. Although it certainly feels like I already am. 

When I try to get back to my creative roots that have been part of my identity since I was born, I feel like it's slipped away from me, and I just question...am I ever going to get it back or is this just life now? I honestly don't know, and I do hope it'll get better. I don't know what's happening or why this is happening, and I'm trying to tell myself it's just a temporary slipping point and I'll find my footing again. It's just hard when I feel like I'm still sliding down that icy mountain and the damn pickup truck is going to wind up crushing me, perhaps even before we get to the bottom. 

The good news is that my family and I will be moving soon to a location with cleaner air, better views, and a stunning new [bigger] house with bigger windows, more windows, incredible views, and a bright interior we've essentially designed ourselves. Sure there's some things we'll be giving up in the move; our house now is so nice, and has the ideal layout for sure. But ultimately we all know this is for the best., especially since we'll be closer to a major hospital that I'm in desperate need of that'll hopefully give m answers as to why I've been feeling this way, and give me a new direction for how not to. 

Well, that's about it for now. I just really wanted to return to my blog in hopes it would give me some inspiration. Spoiler alert, it didn't, but any excuse to write right now is one I'll gladly take when/if I can. And I also don't want you dedicated readers to lose faith in this blog because I know how useful and important its been to so many of you. 

For those of you who are still with me, thank you. You're dedication & support mean everything to me 🤗🌷💘 

BTW: for any one of you have been through this, I would love to hear your experience and how you pulled through. And for those of you who are currently going through something similar as me, please don't hesitate to reach out because you are not alone, and yet this experience can feel so very lonely. Trust me, I know. But remember: we are not ever alone. 

Delayed

The theme of this post is being delayed. Delayed in my life, writing, work, and in many ways my health. 

Now I'm afraid I can't write much beyond this simple message, in part due to the fact words are escaping me in my brain fogged state, but I wanted to post a well-past due update regardless. 

For some time now my health issues took a steady nosedive making it fairly impossible for me to keep up with everything going on, including my blogs. This February it all came to a head that require me to undergo intensive and invasive surgery. 

Three weeks later to the date since then, and I've been on a steady upswing physically, but the recovery has taken a toll on me mentally and emotionally. And so I've decided to allow myself a break from everything and just focus on healing and figuring out my next steps, and how to get my life back on track since everything's currently being put on hold. On the one hand I'm anxious to get back into the swing of things! On the other hand...I'm still looking at 3 more weeks of healing, and have been warned against pushing myself. It's like I'm in recovery purgatory! 😂

Really though, I am doing much better. Occasionally I have minor things arise just from residual complications (though they're really more just annoyances like trying to get my voice back after being intubated, for instance). And fighting the fatigue that comes with recovery processes has been uber annoying! One would think battling chronic fatigue would be something I'm used to by now, but apparently not, lol. 

I'm also having trouble with my writing from time to time. But I did find a new technique (actually an old technique I'm resurfacing). I can't remember if I've shared this one before: 

When you're finding yourself stuck in your current story, start brainstorming new story ideas and seeing how far you get working and teasing them out. Maybe you'll have new content for your original story. Maybe you'll find passion in something new. This has been a technique I've been using since I was in 2nd grade, I believe. Or maybe 3rd? Either way, it's always worked wonders for me, and relying on it even now has been helpful. When I can muster of the energy and brain power to actually write, of course. 

And now I can already feel I'm at the end of my brain capacity because words are escaping me and barely making sense. Even writing this much is taking great effe